factors that lead to failure at university
COMING FAILURES WITH UNIVERSITY LIFE
Each student wants to be successful in their lessons. So, students compete with each other for passing the university exam. After they have entered university, they have many problems like having and wrong friendship. These are most common problems and they may cause to failure at university. [good, clear TS]
First problem is having responsibility. Responsibility is very important and difficult for students especially at university. For most of students live alone, they have to do all their works on their own. For example; they have to cook, clean their house. At the same time, they have to study hard. So, they have to be aware of their responsibility. If a student does not know his/her responsibility, his/her life will become complex and s/he becomes unsuccessful. [good, an if clause used to illustrate cause-effect relation]
Second problem is wrong friendships. University students, especially new comers, want to have a friend. Since they feel lonely, they need to talk with somebody, but some students could be unsuccessful because of bad friendship [you mean bad friends?].They can't understand if they do something which is good or bad because they have few friends [?; not very clear]. So, they do not want to lose them. [and what do they do, and how does this cause them to fail?]
In conclusion, there are many factors which cause to [cause failure, or cause students to failure]failure at university, but most common and most negative factors are having responsibility and wrong friendship. If students will [gr] give importance in having responsibility and
friendship, they will be more successful at university. [maybe you can suggest some advice here about how students should handle responsibility and be careful when choosing friends...]
Eda,
Good essay; clear thesis statement and topic sentences in the body paragraphs... Your paragraphs can be made longer with more discussion of the point and with more examples and evidence. And in the conclusion you could have suggested further advice...
Thanks
ps. You can also chect your essay's LFP (lexical frequency profile) on the lextutor.ca website. would be interesting to see if your essay is lexically rich enough...
10 March 2008
Week 4: Cause&Effect- Anil's Essay
factors that lead to failure at university
UNIVERSITY LIFE AND FAILURES
All students want to go to university because all of them think that being a university student will change their personal status for their future life. I was also thinking like them, but i understood that it is not really like that because university life is the worst life which a person can have. Students at university search for somebody to talk, share, etc…, they have some problems with their house, dormitory, etc… and they have some responsibilities for themselves. [Nice hook and background; where is your TS?, what is the main focus of your essay?]
First, students need somebody to talk or share something with that person. As you know, a person, who is either a student or not a student, needs to share his\her feelings with anybody [somebody?]. So, it is a necessity for people. For a student doesn’t have anybody at university or the place in which university is in there [?; what you mean here is not very clear]. Therefore; people have a feeling to do whatever his\her friends want to do. If they have something which damages the person, even they know it is wrong they continue to do it because their friend(s) do that. So, friendship is very important for a student at university. [Your focus is not very clear in this paragraph; if this is a cause-effect essay, and if this paragraph is the first cause leading to failure, you need to state it clearly with a topic sentence somewhere in the paragraph! So, what is your main point here? So are you saying that being with wrong friends or having no friends to talk to leads to failure?..]
Second, students have many problems for finding a house, dormitory, etc… Even if they find a place to stay, they can still have some problems with that place. If they stay in dormitory, they may have problem with voice, [noise?] etc… For example; Ali has an exam tomorrow and he is studying. However, his neighbour is listening music loudly. This affects Ali negatively. It is a simple example for a student. [ok, good support and examples to what you are saying, but state the factor clearly, like The second factor that may contribute to failure is the problems a student experiences where s/he stays]
Also, students should have their own responsibilty because they don’t have anyone who will help them to cook, clean and so on… While students are in high- school, they don’t do anything for their house. So, they have big problem with their own house. They have to do everything themselves. [again, good examples to illustrate, but what is the main point here? Is it that the weight of responsibility is too much for some sts and they cannot handle it and this causes them to fail their studies...?]
In conclusion, students should really care about themselves. Also, they should think for not only themselves but for their family, relatives and country. They should be interested in only studying hard. Other things should be thought later. By doing this, students can be successful.
Anil,
Good ideas you have, but instead of saying them explicitly, you are expecting the reader to infer what you mean from the examples you give. For a more effective essay, you need to state a clear thesis statement giving the main idea of the essay, and firm topic sentences for each paragraph. Please revise your essay, and post it again.
Thanks
UNIVERSITY LIFE AND FAILURES
All students want to go to university because all of them think that being a university student will change their personal status for their future life. I was also thinking like them, but i understood that it is not really like that because university life is the worst life which a person can have. Students at university search for somebody to talk, share, etc…, they have some problems with their house, dormitory, etc… and they have some responsibilities for themselves. [Nice hook and background; where is your TS?, what is the main focus of your essay?]
First, students need somebody to talk or share something with that person. As you know, a person, who is either a student or not a student, needs to share his\her feelings with anybody [somebody?]. So, it is a necessity for people. For a student doesn’t have anybody at university or the place in which university is in there [?; what you mean here is not very clear]. Therefore; people have a feeling to do whatever his\her friends want to do. If they have something which damages the person, even they know it is wrong they continue to do it because their friend(s) do that. So, friendship is very important for a student at university. [Your focus is not very clear in this paragraph; if this is a cause-effect essay, and if this paragraph is the first cause leading to failure, you need to state it clearly with a topic sentence somewhere in the paragraph! So, what is your main point here? So are you saying that being with wrong friends or having no friends to talk to leads to failure?..]
Second, students have many problems for finding a house, dormitory, etc… Even if they find a place to stay, they can still have some problems with that place. If they stay in dormitory, they may have problem with voice, [noise?] etc… For example; Ali has an exam tomorrow and he is studying. However, his neighbour is listening music loudly. This affects Ali negatively. It is a simple example for a student. [ok, good support and examples to what you are saying, but state the factor clearly, like The second factor that may contribute to failure is the problems a student experiences where s/he stays]
Also, students should have their own responsibilty because they don’t have anyone who will help them to cook, clean and so on… While students are in high- school, they don’t do anything for their house. So, they have big problem with their own house. They have to do everything themselves. [again, good examples to illustrate, but what is the main point here? Is it that the weight of responsibility is too much for some sts and they cannot handle it and this causes them to fail their studies...?]
In conclusion, students should really care about themselves. Also, they should think for not only themselves but for their family, relatives and country. They should be interested in only studying hard. Other things should be thought later. By doing this, students can be successful.
Anil,
Good ideas you have, but instead of saying them explicitly, you are expecting the reader to infer what you mean from the examples you give. For a more effective essay, you need to state a clear thesis statement giving the main idea of the essay, and firm topic sentences for each paragraph. Please revise your essay, and post it again.
Thanks
Week4: Cause&Effect- Quiz 1 POSTPONED
Dear class,
The first quiz we were supposed to have on Wednesday has been postponed to next Monday, 2nd hour (March 17 at 9:30) in class.
Thanks.
The first quiz we were supposed to have on Wednesday has been postponed to next Monday, 2nd hour (March 17 at 9:30) in class.
Thanks.
Week 4: Global warming- Tasks Answer Key
Dear all,
On the left and below are the keys to task sheets we did in class. The one on the left is the cause&effect language, and the one below is the referencial questions. Click on the images to see them larger.
Thanks,
09 March 2008
Week 4: Cause & Effect- CemileGul's Essay
factors that lead to failure in college
The feeling of failure in college is a great obstacle that hinders students' education. Students need to get rid of these types of feelings, because these lead to failure in their education. The most three important of them are ; lack of motivation and attitude, educational backgraund [sp]and insufficient material. [nice intro, and clear TS]
First, lack of motivation is one of the most important reasons of failure in college. Otherwise, many problems and questions may appear in their [whose?] mind. For example;'' how am l feeling while learning?'', ''Am l generally positive coming to class?'' , ''do l feel friendly or hostile towards the culture?'', ''what is my attitude to teachers?'' If a student asks these types of questions to himself/herself, this means that the student is not well-motivated. This shows that these questions cause the student to fail in their college life [is it these qs or answers, or no answers, that cause failure?] . To sum up [use a different phrase (e.g. in short); use this in a conclusion paragraph], motivation and attitude have a special place in preventing students from feeling of failure. Clearly, special efforts will have to be made to students who have negative attitudes [by whom and how?]. [your paragraph starts well, but you need to support it better with more specific evidence and examples...]
Next, lack of educational background is the second factor that causes failures in college. The primary education is very important, as the content of the class will be different, because each student has different educational background and different degree of knowledge. These differences [may] cause failure , because if a student does not have [a] well developed educational background, then the student [use a substitute here; e.g. she or he] may be depressed and may fell [feel?] inferior. At the same time, educational experiences of students are important. Some students who have been previously unsuccessful may need more encouragement than usual. The style of their previous learning is also important . These are the reasons of having unsuccessful education; the absence of these can cause failure. [good; this paragrah reads better in terms of presenting the factor and giving evidence of how it may lead to failure...]
Finally, lack of materials is the last factor that causes failure. ln order to be successful, materials are very vital. Suppose that a college student who is studying architecture can not pass the courses without the necessary materials. As they create their projects with materials, it is not possible to be successful [what? having the materials or not having them?]. Another example is that an ELT student who is taking vocabulary lesson can face with [maye be omitted] difficulties , if he/she does not have any dictionary. Because of these reasons lack of materials can cause failure in college education.
In conclusion, lack of motivation and attitude, lack of educational background and absence of materials are the most important causes of failure. In order to be successful, students should be able to tackle with these types of problems. [how? here is the opportunity for you talk a bit more about what precautions sts can take to tackle these problems; you can suggest further solutions here...]
Cemile,
Nice essay with strong ideas; your essay is also rich in terms of advanced vocab use (as we observed from the Lexical Frequency Profile (LFP) software.
Take my comments into consideration, and please revise your essay. You can post the revised version on the web.
Thanks
08 March 2008
Week 4: Cause & Effect- Ebru's Essay
Understanding of university life
Every year, a lot of students want to enter university for their future and it is [add article] big dream for many students. When I have [tense!] prepared [add a prep]university exam, I could be [was] stressful and thinking about how can [take this out] my future life. That is [Tense] difficult part of my life. My dreams come [T] true but after the [out] getting in to university, some students courses can [may] failed [Gr; some sts may fail their courses] [subject inconsistency; my dreams and some sts- distorts the cohesion]. I believe that two important factors [that] lead to failure of university students are aware of choices [gr; do you mean not being aware of choices?] and responsibility [?; what leads to failure: responsibility or lack of responsibility?]. [Your intro is good, but be careful with the language: tense and grammar!..]
First of all, many students have not [gr] [art] very clear idea about their future education. To illustrate, when I was [prep] middle school, my family said that you [who?] became [T] a dentist. But I hated that this idea. [prep] End of the high school, I preferred teaching and won [wv] it. but some students [v] not aware of their own goals or aim.in this result [as a result], they can not development [wf; n- v] of themselves and create not [gr] good fields of study [?]. Thus they may not successes [wf; n- v] in their education.
Moreover, a lot of students do not care [prep] discipline. I think discipline means self control. it includes that [?] responsibilities themselves. That is to say, if you are students, you must do own homework or assignment but some students usually spend a minimum amount of time studying. Also , they do not like regularly attend in class and lessons. So they make mistake their homework or in exams.
To sum up, [in the light of] the above of the [out] information, I will say that every student must control themselves. They should care about their courses and responsibilities. thay should only know that what do [out] you [they; cohesion!] want about the future in education and their family or teacher can support theirs ideas.
Ebru,
Your ideas for the essay are good; you need to be more careful with the language to convey the ideas.
Thanks.
Here is your LFP. [you may want to aim at using more academic (AWL) and subject-specific (off-list) words]
Lexical Frequency Profile (LFP):
K1 words (1-1000): 87%
K2 words (1001-2000): 6%
AWL words (academic): 4%
Off-list words (subject-specific, technical, or misspelled words): 3%
2k types: aim_[1] attend_[1] discipline_[2] education_[3] hated_[1] information_[1] lessons_[1] lot_[2] mistake_[1] preferred_[1] regularly_[1] responsibilities_[2] responsibility_[1] self_[1]
AWL types: assignment_[1] aware_[2] create_[1] factors_[1] goals_[1] illustrate_[1] minimum_[1] stressful_[1] sum_[1]
OFF types: dentist_[1] exam_[1] exams_[1] homework_[2] successes_[1] thay_[1]
Every year, a lot of students want to enter university for their future and it is [add article] big dream for many students. When I have [tense!] prepared [add a prep]university exam, I could be [was] stressful and thinking about how can [take this out] my future life. That is [Tense] difficult part of my life. My dreams come [T] true but after the [out] getting in to university, some students courses can [may] failed [Gr; some sts may fail their courses] [subject inconsistency; my dreams and some sts- distorts the cohesion]. I believe that two important factors [that] lead to failure of university students are aware of choices [gr; do you mean not being aware of choices?] and responsibility [?; what leads to failure: responsibility or lack of responsibility?]. [Your intro is good, but be careful with the language: tense and grammar!..]
First of all, many students have not [gr] [art] very clear idea about their future education. To illustrate, when I was [prep] middle school, my family said that you [who?] became [T] a dentist. But I hated that this idea. [prep] End of the high school, I preferred teaching and won [wv] it. but some students [v] not aware of their own goals or aim.in this result [as a result], they can not development [wf; n- v] of themselves and create not [gr] good fields of study [?]. Thus they may not successes [wf; n- v] in their education.
Moreover, a lot of students do not care [prep] discipline. I think discipline means self control. it includes that [?] responsibilities themselves. That is to say, if you are students, you must do own homework or assignment but some students usually spend a minimum amount of time studying. Also , they do not like regularly attend in class and lessons. So they make mistake their homework or in exams.
To sum up, [in the light of] the above of the [out] information, I will say that every student must control themselves. They should care about their courses and responsibilities. thay should only know that what do [out] you [they; cohesion!] want about the future in education and their family or teacher can support theirs ideas.
Ebru,
Your ideas for the essay are good; you need to be more careful with the language to convey the ideas.
Thanks.
Here is your LFP. [you may want to aim at using more academic (AWL) and subject-specific (off-list) words]
Lexical Frequency Profile (LFP):
K1 words (1-1000): 87%
K2 words (1001-2000): 6%
AWL words (academic): 4%
Off-list words (subject-specific, technical, or misspelled words): 3%
2k types: aim_[1] attend_[1] discipline_[2] education_[3] hated_[1] information_[1] lessons_[1] lot_[2] mistake_[1] preferred_[1] regularly_[1] responsibilities_[2] responsibility_[1] self_[1]
AWL types: assignment_[1] aware_[2] create_[1] factors_[1] goals_[1] illustrate_[1] minimum_[1] stressful_[1] sum_[1]
OFF types: dentist_[1] exam_[1] exams_[1] homework_[2] successes_[1] thay_[1]
06 March 2008
Week3- Cause&Effect: Important Feedback
Hi,
I would like to thank those who have kindly posted their essays on the topic, "factors leading to failure among university students".
The ideas and arguments you have presented are usually good and seem relevant to the factors we discussed in class that affect university student's academic performances and lead to success and failure depending on their presence or absence.
I would like to draw your attention that our main focus is on the causes of university failure; however, some of the essays posted carry the risk of getting off track, that is, some essays read like they are opinion essays, or essays giving advice to the readers about how they should avoid failure and seek success. There are different kinds of essays, and cause-effect is one of them. So when the task requires you to write a cause-effect essay, your main focus should be placed on that.
Thanks, and looking forward to more essays posted on the website.
I would like to thank those who have kindly posted their essays on the topic, "factors leading to failure among university students".
The ideas and arguments you have presented are usually good and seem relevant to the factors we discussed in class that affect university student's academic performances and lead to success and failure depending on their presence or absence.
I would like to draw your attention that our main focus is on the causes of university failure; however, some of the essays posted carry the risk of getting off track, that is, some essays read like they are opinion essays, or essays giving advice to the readers about how they should avoid failure and seek success. There are different kinds of essays, and cause-effect is one of them. So when the task requires you to write a cause-effect essay, your main focus should be placed on that.
Thanks, and looking forward to more essays posted on the website.
05 March 2008
Week3- Cause&Effect- NurayK''s Essay
University Life
You must have studied hard to get into a university. I think you were a succesful student at high school so that you have come to university. But why students fail to succeed at university[?]. There can be a lot of reasons for that but mainly, difficulty of life, adapting a new environment, friends and boy/girl friends, and lack of motivation are the main factors. [good; TS is clear, explicit, and also shows that this is a cause-effect essay]
First, university students usually go away from [their] families to study and they face a lot of difficulties and have to manage them by [take out] on their own. While they are trying to take this responsibility appropriately, they can’t totally focus on their lessons. This may result in failure. College students have to manage to live by themselves, this is hard for them because they (probably) didn’t have to do this job before [do you mean for the first time in their lives the sts have to face such a challenge?].
Secondly, adapting the new environment can seem better for students. Trying to be popular among friends, students can not keep control. As a consequence they get out of their target. This may bring another responsibility to study harder. I mean failure for some period. [your point is not very clear in this paragraph; what exactly is the factor that impedes students' academic performance?]
Next, we shouldn’t forget that college students are not “kids” so they may have boy/girl friends to go out for (long) hours. However, this also seem good but what if they argue or split up? This may affect a student deeply for this reason, usually [add an article] student does not study and fail. Classmates or other friends are the same as boy/girl friends so they may cause students fail, too. Long long hours chatting, spending long hours in cafes etc. [this clause reads incomplete; link it somehow]
After that college students need to keep up motivation. They need to study. Sometimes harder and harder [change it into a clause linked to the previous clause; i.e. as it is, it looks an incomplete sentence]. I mean difficult exam periods, homework assignments and projects are the obligations which may make students fed up. In short[,] work overload cause failure sometimes, so students should be careful. And [make it part of the clause] keep the motivation with some activities,with having fun and being encouraged by family.
In conclusion, being successful is difficult as a university student. However it is sometimes harder to keep on successfully because difficult life, adapting new environment and lack of motivation are main factors for failure. [some concluding remarks on how sts should overcome these obstacles??]
Nuray,
Good start, but later it seems you've jotted down the essay in a hurry; be careful with incomplete clauses.
The second cause (2nd par) may be written in a more effective way so that it can better explain what you're trying to say..
Revise it and then post again.
Thanks,
You must have studied hard to get into a university. I think you were a succesful student at high school so that you have come to university. But why students fail to succeed at university[?]. There can be a lot of reasons for that but mainly, difficulty of life, adapting a new environment, friends and boy/girl friends, and lack of motivation are the main factors. [good; TS is clear, explicit, and also shows that this is a cause-effect essay]
First, university students usually go away from [their] families to study and they face a lot of difficulties and have to manage them by [take out] on their own. While they are trying to take this responsibility appropriately, they can’t totally focus on their lessons. This may result in failure. College students have to manage to live by themselves, this is hard for them because they (probably) didn’t have to do this job before [do you mean for the first time in their lives the sts have to face such a challenge?].
Secondly, adapting the new environment can seem better for students. Trying to be popular among friends, students can not keep control. As a consequence they get out of their target. This may bring another responsibility to study harder. I mean failure for some period. [your point is not very clear in this paragraph; what exactly is the factor that impedes students' academic performance?]
Next, we shouldn’t forget that college students are not “kids” so they may have boy/girl friends to go out for (long) hours. However, this also seem good but what if they argue or split up? This may affect a student deeply for this reason, usually [add an article] student does not study and fail. Classmates or other friends are the same as boy/girl friends so they may cause students fail, too. Long long hours chatting, spending long hours in cafes etc. [this clause reads incomplete; link it somehow]
After that college students need to keep up motivation. They need to study. Sometimes harder and harder [change it into a clause linked to the previous clause; i.e. as it is, it looks an incomplete sentence]. I mean difficult exam periods, homework assignments and projects are the obligations which may make students fed up. In short[,] work overload cause failure sometimes, so students should be careful. And [make it part of the clause] keep the motivation with some activities,with having fun and being encouraged by family.
In conclusion, being successful is difficult as a university student. However it is sometimes harder to keep on successfully because difficult life, adapting new environment and lack of motivation are main factors for failure. [some concluding remarks on how sts should overcome these obstacles??]
Nuray,
Good start, but later it seems you've jotted down the essay in a hurry; be careful with incomplete clauses.
The second cause (2nd par) may be written in a more effective way so that it can better explain what you're trying to say..
Revise it and then post again.
Thanks,
Week3- Cause-Effect: DenizK's Essay
OBSTACLES AT OUR SUCCESS
In order to be successful, there are some basic rules. On the other hand in order not to be failure [gr] we should avoid doing some kinds of things such as unnecessaryly [sp] spending so much time or sitting in front of the table many hours, not matching the schedule, not choosing suitable friends according to us, not repeating [wrong verb; use revise] the lectures after the school, [add diffculty here] adapting new environment etc.. [revise your thesis statement; you have the same problem as Rabia's (read the feedback I gave her). Your focus in this essay is the causes of failure, so your TS (thesis statement) should clearly indicate this; you can write, like: factors such as difficulty adapting a new environment... may result in failure]
Firstly, friendship is one of the most important factor that lead to failure [is it friendship or choosing the wrong friends that lead to failure?] . lf you are with hardworking people, or not they affect you negative [reads a bit odd; there is a reference confusion, what is it that affects you negatively?]. So we should be careful about it. [revise this paragraph; first clearly state the factor and how it may cause failure, and support it with evidence and examples]
Secondly, when we make a program we should match [wrong verb; use stick to] it. lf you are not loyal to your schedule and you do whatever you want, your schedule get mixed and you have difficulty in following your lectures. In one day we have so much leisure time. We go out with our friends, chatting etc. But when working time comes, we don’t want to study. Normally if we should repeat what we do at school every night, we don’t have any difficulty when our exams start. [again, your focus is a bit distorted here; state what factor leads to failure and then explain with examples how the factor leads to failure]
Leaving from our parents sometimes can create problem for our studying. Adapting new people, new life and new places [may] have [negative] effects on us. We can cope with this problem by looking at the positive sides of new life. But if we can not solve this, it has a big obstacles in front of our studying. [good; this paragraph reads better and is more focused on the cause]
Always studying is not effective also [?]. Sitting on your chair and trying to do something [this is not very clear; do you mean sitting without doing anything?] makes you bored and in the end your working/ studying desire declines. At university both becoming social and hardworking bring success. lf you balance these, you can easyly [sp] become successful. [Start your conclusion with a summary of the factors and how they negatively affect students' academic performances. Then, as part of your suggestions and advice, you can mention how to balance social and academic life, etc.]
In order to be successful, there are some basic rules. On the other hand in order not to be failure [gr] we should avoid doing some kinds of things such as unnecessaryly [sp] spending so much time or sitting in front of the table many hours, not matching the schedule, not choosing suitable friends according to us, not repeating [wrong verb; use revise] the lectures after the school, [add diffculty here] adapting new environment etc.. [revise your thesis statement; you have the same problem as Rabia's (read the feedback I gave her). Your focus in this essay is the causes of failure, so your TS (thesis statement) should clearly indicate this; you can write, like: factors such as difficulty adapting a new environment... may result in failure]
Firstly, friendship is one of the most important factor that lead to failure [is it friendship or choosing the wrong friends that lead to failure?] . lf you are with hardworking people, or not they affect you negative [reads a bit odd; there is a reference confusion, what is it that affects you negatively?]. So we should be careful about it. [revise this paragraph; first clearly state the factor and how it may cause failure, and support it with evidence and examples]
Secondly, when we make a program we should match [wrong verb; use stick to] it. lf you are not loyal to your schedule and you do whatever you want, your schedule get mixed and you have difficulty in following your lectures. In one day we have so much leisure time. We go out with our friends, chatting etc. But when working time comes, we don’t want to study. Normally if we should repeat what we do at school every night, we don’t have any difficulty when our exams start. [again, your focus is a bit distorted here; state what factor leads to failure and then explain with examples how the factor leads to failure]
Leaving from our parents sometimes can create problem for our studying. Adapting new people, new life and new places [may] have [negative] effects on us. We can cope with this problem by looking at the positive sides of new life. But if we can not solve this, it has a big obstacles in front of our studying. [good; this paragraph reads better and is more focused on the cause]
Always studying is not effective also [?]. Sitting on your chair and trying to do something [this is not very clear; do you mean sitting without doing anything?] makes you bored and in the end your working/ studying desire declines. At university both becoming social and hardworking bring success. lf you balance these, you can easyly [sp] become successful. [Start your conclusion with a summary of the factors and how they negatively affect students' academic performances. Then, as part of your suggestions and advice, you can mention how to balance social and academic life, etc.]
DenizK,
1. Punctuation: leave a space after punctuation (commas, periods, etc).
2. Read the feedback I gave to Rabia and Hatice. The general problem I have observed in all the three of yours' essays is the focus problem! Keep the focus on the causes!...
3. Please revise your essay and then you can post the revised version..
Thanks,
Deniz Küçüktuna - 070179
Deniz Küçüktuna - 070179
Week3- Cause&Effect- HaticeE's Essay
HOW FAILURE GOES AWAY?
Does a university help you to be the best? The university has lots of advantages for a person to become successful. But there are some bad things that don’t give you a hand (what are these things and what are they specically responsible for?- identify the cause-effect focus of your essay...).
Firstly, university students need a peaceful family. Their family should support them not only concretely but also abstractly (try different words here, like not only material and financial but also moral and emotional- Refer to tureng.com tr/eng dictionary) . Because a student without a supporter doesn’t have much power. [get rid of the full-stop and link the previous clause with the following] Students can get this power by the help of being happy and relaxed. [you may add more support here explaining how lack of such material and moral support from the family and friends can impair success- and be careful your focus should be on factors leading to failure, not sucess; keep the focus on that]
Secondly, students must be aware of their lectures otherwise failure will be inevitable. Namely, ignoring the importance of the lessons will take the students to the dark [may need to explain what dark specifically mean], A(a) nd this darkness swallow them [how? - too much of implicit reference; be more direct]. In the end they [who?] will be disappeared [Gr- use active voice]. Whethet [sp] they’d [write out] like to study or not the lectures improve them if they take care about. [this part is not very clear! again, remember, your focus is on the factor and you are explaining how it leads to failure]
Finally, university students feel they are free and think there’s no need to take attention about their responsibilities anymore. Yet, it results in collapse. Because responsibilities make people’s life easier. If there is an easy life failure goes away. So, students can be successful ones who make better Works [? like what] in their lives.
In conclusion if students want to be successful their [who?] must support them, they should take care about their lectures and responsibilities. The more students do these the more they get [a better verb here maybe, that collacates with success] success. And the failure wants a place where nobody can find it. [nice concluding remark!]
Hatice,
1. Try to keep your focus more on the causes of failure; keep the suggestions you are giving for success for the conclusion paragraph. This way, your essay would read better on topic ending with a nice conclusion with some personal advice....
2. If you have your thesis statement clearly stating the focus of your essay and implying the content of the body paragraph, it would be easier for the reader to get the gist of each supporting paragraph.
Thanks.
ps. Make the necessary changes and then you can post the revised essay...
Hatice ERARSLAN
070191
Does a university help you to be the best? The university has lots of advantages for a person to become successful. But there are some bad things that don’t give you a hand (what are these things and what are they specically responsible for?- identify the cause-effect focus of your essay...).
Firstly, university students need a peaceful family. Their family should support them not only concretely but also abstractly (try different words here, like not only material and financial but also moral and emotional- Refer to tureng.com tr/eng dictionary) . Because a student without a supporter doesn’t have much power. [get rid of the full-stop and link the previous clause with the following] Students can get this power by the help of being happy and relaxed. [you may add more support here explaining how lack of such material and moral support from the family and friends can impair success- and be careful your focus should be on factors leading to failure, not sucess; keep the focus on that]
Secondly, students must be aware of their lectures otherwise failure will be inevitable. Namely, ignoring the importance of the lessons will take the students to the dark [may need to explain what dark specifically mean], A(a) nd this darkness swallow them [how? - too much of implicit reference; be more direct]. In the end they [who?] will be disappeared [Gr- use active voice]. Whethet [sp] they’d [write out] like to study or not the lectures improve them if they take care about. [this part is not very clear! again, remember, your focus is on the factor and you are explaining how it leads to failure]
Finally, university students feel they are free and think there’s no need to take attention about their responsibilities anymore. Yet, it results in collapse. Because responsibilities make people’s life easier. If there is an easy life failure goes away. So, students can be successful ones who make better Works [? like what] in their lives.
In conclusion if students want to be successful their [who?] must support them, they should take care about their lectures and responsibilities. The more students do these the more they get [a better verb here maybe, that collacates with success] success. And the failure wants a place where nobody can find it. [nice concluding remark!]
Hatice,
1. Try to keep your focus more on the causes of failure; keep the suggestions you are giving for success for the conclusion paragraph. This way, your essay would read better on topic ending with a nice conclusion with some personal advice....
2. If you have your thesis statement clearly stating the focus of your essay and implying the content of the body paragraph, it would be easier for the reader to get the gist of each supporting paragraph.
Thanks.
ps. Make the necessary changes and then you can post the revised essay...
Hatice ERARSLAN
070191
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