Week 4: Cause&Effect- Anil's Essay

factors that lead to failure at university
UNIVERSITY LIFE AND FAILURES


All students want to go to university because all of them think that being a university student will change their personal status for their future life. I was also thinking like them, but i understood that it is not really like that because university life is the worst life which a person can have. Students at university search for somebody to talk, share, etc…, they have some problems with their house, dormitory, etc… and they have some responsibilities for themselves. [Nice hook and background; where is your TS?, what is the main focus of your essay?]

First, students need somebody to talk or share something with that person. As you know, a person, who is either a student or not a student, needs to share his\her feelings with anybody [somebody?]. So, it is a necessity for people. For a student doesn’t have anybody at university or the place in which university is in there [?; what you mean here is not very clear]. Therefore; people have a feeling to do whatever his\her friends want to do. If they have something which damages the person, even they know it is wrong they continue to do it because their friend(s) do that. So, friendship is very important for a student at university. [Your focus is not very clear in this paragraph; if this is a cause-effect essay, and if this paragraph is the first cause leading to failure, you need to state it clearly with a topic sentence somewhere in the paragraph! So, what is your main point here? So are you saying that being with wrong friends or having no friends to talk to leads to failure?..]

Second, students have many problems for finding a house, dormitory, etc… Even if they find a place to stay, they can still have some problems with that place. If they stay in dormitory, they may have problem with voice, [noise?] etc… For example; Ali has an exam tomorrow and he is studying. However, his neighbour is listening music loudly. This affects Ali negatively. It is a simple example for a student. [ok, good support and examples to what you are saying, but state the factor clearly, like The second factor that may contribute to failure is the problems a student experiences where s/he stays]

Also, students should have their own responsibilty because they don’t have anyone who will help them to cook, clean and so on… While students are in high- school, they don’t do anything for their house. So, they have big problem with their own house. They have to do everything themselves. [again, good examples to illustrate, but what is the main point here? Is it that the weight of responsibility is too much for some sts and they cannot handle it and this causes them to fail their studies...?]

In conclusion, students should really care about themselves. Also, they should think for not only themselves but for their family, relatives and country. They should be interested in only studying hard. Other things should be thought later. By doing this, students can be successful.

Anil,
Good ideas you have, but instead of saying them explicitly, you are expecting the reader to infer what you mean from the examples you give. For a more effective essay, you need to state a clear thesis statement giving the main idea of the essay, and firm topic sentences for each paragraph. Please revise your essay, and post it again.
Thanks