Week 4: Cause&Effect- Eda's Essay

factors that lead to failure at university
COMING FAILURES WITH UNIVERSITY LIFE



Each student wants to be successful in their lessons. So, students compete with each other for passing the university exam. After they have entered university, they have many problems like having and wrong friendship. These are most common problems and they may cause to failure at university. [good, clear TS]

First problem is having responsibility. Responsibility is very important and difficult for students especially at university. For most of students live alone, they have to do all their works on their own. For example; they have to cook, clean their house. At the same time, they have to study hard. So, they have to be aware of their responsibility. If a student does not know his/her responsibility, his/her life will become complex and s/he becomes unsuccessful. [good, an if clause used to illustrate cause-effect relation]

Second problem is wrong friendships. University students, especially new comers, want to have a friend. Since they feel lonely, they need to talk with somebody, but some students could be unsuccessful because of bad friendship [you mean bad friends?].They can't understand if they do something which is good or bad because they have few friends [?; not very clear]. So, they do not want to lose them. [and what do they do, and how does this cause them to fail?]

In conclusion, there are many factors which cause to [cause failure, or cause students to failure]failure at university, but most common and most negative factors are having responsibility and wrong friendship. If students will [gr] give importance in having responsibility and
friendship, they will be more successful at university. [maybe you can suggest some advice here about how students should handle responsibility and be careful when choosing friends...]

Eda,
Good essay; clear thesis statement and topic sentences in the body paragraphs... Your paragraphs can be made longer with more discussion of the point and with more examples and evidence. And in the conclusion you could have suggested further advice...
Thanks
ps. You can also chect your essay's LFP (lexical frequency profile) on the lextutor.ca website. would be interesting to see if your essay is lexically rich enough...