Week3- Cause&Effect- Rabia's Essay

WHO WANTS FAILURE?
Have you ever heard about a book called “Path to Success”? It’s a grammar book used by mostly students preparing for the YDS [define it] exam. What a strange topic it has, doesn’t it? The path to success has surely many obstacles. In other words, these obstacles lead to failure. If you don’t want to see failure in your life especially as a university student, you have to consider at least three things.[this sentence reads as if your essay is about giving advice/ opinion to the reader; however, our focus is on causes of failure, so your thesis statement must be revised; plus write what these three causes are explicitly in your thesis statement]
Firstly, don’t ignore your lessons [again, keep your focus on the cause of failure, not how to avoid failure]. I mean a student in his first year at the university, usually make a big mistake of not caring for the lectures adequately. Some courses may be easier than you’ve expected. However, it doesn’t necessaraly mean that you don’t have to study at all. [so add here more how students may have problems when they underestimate the courseload...]
Secondly, a new student at the university feels himself so free that it makes him fail. Think about a student in high school. What does he do? He studies a lot for the university enterance [sp] exam. He can’t go out late without his parent’s permission and so forth [time reference! when is this? make it clear this refers to the highschool time]. When this student goes to university, he’ll be free to decide what to do. He won’t have to get permission from someone. No matter how messy his room is, nobody will warn or punish him. In the end because of all these he has to deal with failure. [good, this paragraph is more focused on the factor causing failure]
Thirdly, without family support, success seems far away. Because families act as friends. For instance; when the midterms or finals begin, you may get discouraged. Your family are your angels at that time, ready to stand by you. [ok, but tell the reader how the lack of support from the family may result in failure]
In conclusion, not to fail in your education life you should care about the obstacles including feeling freedom, not having family supports and the lectures. You only need to know what you really want and why are you in the university. Unless you find answer to these questions, failure won’t abandon you [good; you summarised the factors leading to failure and then here you can give now some suggestions and personal advice...].
Rabia,
Your essay has the similar issues as Hatice's. Please also read the comments and feedback I gave on her essay...
Please revise your essay and then you can post it again.

Rabia KARAKURT
070180