Week3- Cause&Effect- HaticeE's Essay

HOW FAILURE GOES AWAY?

Does a university help you to be the best? The university has lots of advantages for a person to become successful. But there are some bad things that don’t give you a hand (what are these things and what are they specically responsible for?- identify the cause-effect focus of your essay...).
Firstly, university students need a peaceful family. Their family should support them not only concretely but also abstractly (try different words here, like not only material and financial but also moral and emotional- Refer to tureng.com tr/eng dictionary) . Because a student without a supporter doesn’t have much power. [get rid of the full-stop and link the previous clause with the following] Students can get this power by the help of being happy and relaxed. [you may add more support here explaining how lack of such material and moral support from the family and friends can impair success- and be careful your focus should be on factors leading to failure, not sucess; keep the focus on that]
Secondly, students must be aware of their lectures otherwise failure will be inevitable. Namely, ignoring the importance of the lessons will take the students to the dark [may need to explain what dark specifically mean], A(a) nd this darkness swallow them [how? - too much of implicit reference; be more direct]. In the end they [who?] will be disappeared [Gr- use active voice]. Whethet [sp] they’d [write out] like to study or not the lectures improve them if they take care about. [this part is not very clear! again, remember, your focus is on the factor and you are explaining how it leads to failure]
Finally, university students feel they are free and think there’s no need to take attention about their responsibilities anymore. Yet, it results in collapse. Because responsibilities make people’s life easier. If there is an easy life failure goes away. So, students can be successful ones who make better Works [? like what] in their lives.
In conclusion if students want to be successful their [who?] must support them, they should take care about their lectures and responsibilities. The more students do these the more they get [a better verb here maybe, that collacates with success] success. And the failure wants a place where nobody can find it. [nice concluding remark!]
Hatice,
1. Try to keep your focus more on the causes of failure; keep the suggestions you are giving for success for the conclusion paragraph. This way, your essay would read better on topic ending with a nice conclusion with some personal advice....
2. If you have your thesis statement clearly stating the focus of your essay and implying the content of the body paragraph, it would be easier for the reader to get the gist of each supporting paragraph.
Thanks.
ps. Make the necessary changes and then you can post the revised essay...
Hatice ERARSLAN
070191