OBSTACLES AT OUR SUCCESS
In order to be successful, there are some basic rules. On the other hand in order not to be failure [gr] we should avoid doing some kinds of things such as unnecessaryly [sp] spending so much time or sitting in front of the table many hours, not matching the schedule, not choosing suitable friends according to us, not repeating [wrong verb; use revise] the lectures after the school, [add diffculty here] adapting new environment etc.. [revise your thesis statement; you have the same problem as Rabia's (read the feedback I gave her). Your focus in this essay is the causes of failure, so your TS (thesis statement) should clearly indicate this; you can write, like: factors such as difficulty adapting a new environment... may result in failure]
Firstly, friendship is one of the most important factor that lead to failure [is it friendship or choosing the wrong friends that lead to failure?] . lf you are with hardworking people, or not they affect you negative [reads a bit odd; there is a reference confusion, what is it that affects you negatively?]. So we should be careful about it. [revise this paragraph; first clearly state the factor and how it may cause failure, and support it with evidence and examples]
Secondly, when we make a program we should match [wrong verb; use stick to] it. lf you are not loyal to your schedule and you do whatever you want, your schedule get mixed and you have difficulty in following your lectures. In one day we have so much leisure time. We go out with our friends, chatting etc. But when working time comes, we don’t want to study. Normally if we should repeat what we do at school every night, we don’t have any difficulty when our exams start. [again, your focus is a bit distorted here; state what factor leads to failure and then explain with examples how the factor leads to failure]
Leaving from our parents sometimes can create problem for our studying. Adapting new people, new life and new places [may] have [negative] effects on us. We can cope with this problem by looking at the positive sides of new life. But if we can not solve this, it has a big obstacles in front of our studying. [good; this paragraph reads better and is more focused on the cause]
Always studying is not effective also [?]. Sitting on your chair and trying to do something [this is not very clear; do you mean sitting without doing anything?] makes you bored and in the end your working/ studying desire declines. At university both becoming social and hardworking bring success. lf you balance these, you can easyly [sp] become successful. [Start your conclusion with a summary of the factors and how they negatively affect students' academic performances. Then, as part of your suggestions and advice, you can mention how to balance social and academic life, etc.]
In order to be successful, there are some basic rules. On the other hand in order not to be failure [gr] we should avoid doing some kinds of things such as unnecessaryly [sp] spending so much time or sitting in front of the table many hours, not matching the schedule, not choosing suitable friends according to us, not repeating [wrong verb; use revise] the lectures after the school, [add diffculty here] adapting new environment etc.. [revise your thesis statement; you have the same problem as Rabia's (read the feedback I gave her). Your focus in this essay is the causes of failure, so your TS (thesis statement) should clearly indicate this; you can write, like: factors such as difficulty adapting a new environment... may result in failure]
Firstly, friendship is one of the most important factor that lead to failure [is it friendship or choosing the wrong friends that lead to failure?] . lf you are with hardworking people, or not they affect you negative [reads a bit odd; there is a reference confusion, what is it that affects you negatively?]. So we should be careful about it. [revise this paragraph; first clearly state the factor and how it may cause failure, and support it with evidence and examples]
Secondly, when we make a program we should match [wrong verb; use stick to] it. lf you are not loyal to your schedule and you do whatever you want, your schedule get mixed and you have difficulty in following your lectures. In one day we have so much leisure time. We go out with our friends, chatting etc. But when working time comes, we don’t want to study. Normally if we should repeat what we do at school every night, we don’t have any difficulty when our exams start. [again, your focus is a bit distorted here; state what factor leads to failure and then explain with examples how the factor leads to failure]
Leaving from our parents sometimes can create problem for our studying. Adapting new people, new life and new places [may] have [negative] effects on us. We can cope with this problem by looking at the positive sides of new life. But if we can not solve this, it has a big obstacles in front of our studying. [good; this paragraph reads better and is more focused on the cause]
Always studying is not effective also [?]. Sitting on your chair and trying to do something [this is not very clear; do you mean sitting without doing anything?] makes you bored and in the end your working/ studying desire declines. At university both becoming social and hardworking bring success. lf you balance these, you can easyly [sp] become successful. [Start your conclusion with a summary of the factors and how they negatively affect students' academic performances. Then, as part of your suggestions and advice, you can mention how to balance social and academic life, etc.]
DenizK,
1. Punctuation: leave a space after punctuation (commas, periods, etc).
2. Read the feedback I gave to Rabia and Hatice. The general problem I have observed in all the three of yours' essays is the focus problem! Keep the focus on the causes!...
3. Please revise your essay and then you can post the revised version..
Thanks,
Deniz Küçüktuna - 070179
Deniz Küçüktuna - 070179
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